Caring for elderly parents can be a pain staking event. The decision to take on the responsibility is one that should not be taken lightly and should be carefully thought out. We all want the want the best for our loved ones but how do know if the job is just too much for us and how do we know when to accept or ask for outside help and even more heartbreaking, would our loved one be better served in a personal care home.
We see ourselves in our parents, we have depended on them for years to guide us in the right direction and give us the support and care that we need to make it through the tough times in life. From our birth, to first day of school, to our first prom, to our marriages and the birth of our children, no matter the joys or despairs our parents have been there for us. Now it is time for us to become the caretaker and make the right decisions that will most benefit our loved ones.
Ideally, keeping an elderly parent in their own home is the most beneficial for the mental health. They are familiar with their surroundings and they experience the most important thing to them, their independence. Once an elderly parent feels their independence is being threatened you may experience more resistance to changes that need to be done in order to provide the care needed. Some things that you may want to do to evaluate exactly where your elderly parent stands is to visit the parents family physician with them. Do this over a period of time and stay involved with their care. You can then get a good idea where your parent's frame of mind is or their physical ability is going. Ask the doctor about your concerns in front of your parent, make them an active part of the conversations and the decisions to be made, it is their life you are talking about. Going behind their back will only cause you problems in the long run. Expect some resistance, how would you like someone taking over your life.
Once you figure out where they are, you can make better decisions. Keeping your parent involved, get advice from their family doctor, speak to local providers to see what is available in your community for seniors. Keeping a parent in their home environment is a very realistic scenario with all the in home support available these days. Many organizations offer housekeeping, shopping and companionship services to seniors in their homes. You can find more information on this through the many links available through the administration on aging webpage. These pages start at the federal level and work their way down to the local levels of support.
Another option that is available to you is adult day care. This has been around for quite some time now. It is just what it sounds like, a day care center for your elderly parent. A lot of these centers are set up with socialization and daily living activities that will keep your parent involved both mentally and physically. This option allows your elderly parent to be involved with others their same age, experiencing a lot of the same issues that they are. You may find that you meet others there who are in your same situation, it is a great place to network and find some good resources for other issues you may be dealing with.
If you have exhausted all options and you feel your parent would be better taken care of in a personal care type setting, you should do your investigation prior to taken this step. You can ask around the community to see what is available, nothing worse than finding out that you have put your parent in a place that has no social interaction and personal care and attention they need. This is especially true if your parent is non verbal and can not tell you what is actually going on. You should develop a checklist of what your expectations are. Go visit and see how the residents there are treated, see how the residents react to staff and check with your local aging services to see what they recommend, they will usually know the reputation of the local personal care homes in their area. Below is a list of questions that you may want to ask, this is just a start, you can never ask enough questions. Nursing home checklists are available online that covers just about every concern you may have.
Day Care Center? Is that a joke? I expect myself to take care of my parents the way they did to me. If it is at my cost, i will go ahead and do that. For me they are not just elderly people or senior citizens. They mean the world to me. As far as engagement is concerned..if they are staying at home they are free to do anything they want and live an independent life.
I do not regret my decision to be with them because for me that is how it should be. However the information that you have provided Good is really great. These places are for people who do not have anybody to take care of them. If I die an accidental death I would always want my sibling to take care and only if no one is around my parents can visit the day care center if they want to. It is their discretion and completely their call.
Well I agree with you that disabled old age can be spent at the care centers. It becomes very difficult if they have to be taken care of for 24hrs and 7 days a week. With my job I would be unable to take care in that case.
Another option that is available to you is adult day care. This has been around for quite some time now. It is just what it sounds like, a day care center for your elderly parent. A lot of these centers are set up with socialization and daily living activities that will keep your parent involved both mentally and physically.
I thought about the same way when I first heard of adult day care, but it is out there and people use it. As good mentioned they are more involved with others their age and it provides some really good socialization that they may not otherwise get.
I am with you Laura, I would keep my parents home as long as possible, I just lost a parent and he was at home until he passed, I was so sad and still am, I really wish he would have been able to get out more and do some more while I worked through the days, seems if he was at home alone he did alot of sleeping and I think this may have contributed along with other health issues to his death. I guess if you found one that was very interactive and did things with your parents it would be a great benefit to them, they need to get out and live too. I think it is a good idea if you can afford it and you do a proper inspection and make sure that it is a good adult day care center.
My mother was hard headed and stubborn, she ended up dying in the hospital but would have lived way past 60 had she seen a doctor. She was so set in her ways, I remember coming home and she would have my underwear on her head and two puffs of her hair sticking up through where my legs were supposed to be. She would be baking her bread, my undies as a child doubled as her hair net, she did not see anything wrong with it at all.
My mother did not have many friends, she was a private lady who stayed at home and took care of her kids and grandkids, she was not a social person at all. She worked hard at home and stayed there as much as possible. I don't think she would have taken to well to the world today. She lived in a much simpler time. Very simple. No extravagance at all.
I completely agree with you guys. If our parents are responsible enough they understand the right and wrong for themselves. Of course I am there to counsel as well. We always give them choices to hang out. Take our pet for a walk. They get a walk as well and meet people. As simple as that. I think there is no other way to develop someones health than to interact with human beings and taking care of one self.
The easiest part with me is that my parents cooperate a lot. They understand that if I am asking them to do something it is only for their benefit. They do not counter my decisions that I take on behalf of them. For an example...last week dad complained of feeling very drowsy and slept throughout the day. Now this did not seem okay to me. Next day i made sure that he moved out and went to the store.My intention was not to make him work but to get him rid of the drowsiness which might have been due to the cold weather outside and a warm inside of our house. I really liked it when he said yes I need to take a stroll otherwise I would keep sleeping and wake up after 20 years LOL.
great response carol, you sound like a good daughter, it is good to motivate them.
I work in a personal care home and if we would let them sit they would sit there all day long and watch television. We try to get them to do activities, some get very mean or don't interact well in a group of people and we try to understand, you do have different personalities, maybe this person was a loner there whole life or maybe it is resentment of their freedom being taken away, either way, it shows up in their everyday behavior. I think it is sad when the only thing that have to look forward to is the meals, we try to get them to stay as active as possible, it is really hard in the winter time, they fear falling and breaking the hip which can be devastating to someone their age.
I love my job and I get pretty close to some of the people that are their, my toughest ones are the two that we have in the first stages of alzhiemer's, the lady has a nursery set up for her baby dolls and dare we make noise when those children are sleeping, she can get a little testy then, but we have to just try and keep everything at an a low roar until she says they are awake. We had to move her room, the television in the living room was keeping here babies awake, I think the noise just irritates her. We do what we can to keep the peace.
The man we have is a different story all together, he likes to wonder, we have to keep a close eye on him. We have 19 residents all together, it can get tough at times, but we try. I have one lady who will sit at the kitchen table and carrying on conversation with me while I cook, she is so sweet and seems very capable, I don't think she would be there if she was my mother, but the family does not want bothered. My 5 year old grand daughter will come sometimes and talk to her too, those two just carrying one heck of a conversation about everything. This lady has all her beans and is just one of those cases that I think should have been handled differently. I always enjoy her sitting in the kitchen area and talking to me.
I started working this job about 5 years ago, I don't have a high school diploma, I don't have a whole lot of job choices, I really like this job and plan to stay as long as they will have me.
Happy Saturday everyone! first of all, erb you are such a strong, sensitive, and compassionate person for working in the field you are and carol it's wonderful to hear that you have the perspective you do! good, great topic. I now supervise people who go into our elderly's homes and clean, shop, do small errands. I admire them so very much because they are allowing literally hundreds of elderly people STAY in their own homes. our employees are developing relationships with thier clients and provide the companionship that so many of them need.
Our clients love the flexibility of not having to be put in a nursing home or an adult daycare. it's so hard for many in our society to have the mindset carol does, our parents took care of us, i think we have an obligation to take care of them if at all possible. there are times when we need help. for all of you who work in this field, you are to be commended! it takes a special special person with a strong constitution to help those who are vulnerable. see all of you later!
I just think it is great to have options, we should not be looking at our elderly parents as burdens and they do not want to feel that way, many parents will tell their children that they do not want to be a burden to anyone. This is sad that they feel this way, were we as kids burdens to them, probably.
It is also very important to know when you can't handle it yourself, in many cases with alzhiemers and some other elderly ailments that affect people mentally you sometimes have to make the decisions to get the outside help or place your parent in a facility so that they get the care they require. I know it is hard to do, but it may be what is best for them and you. Your parents doctor can help you understand when the time is to make this decision if this is your case.
Thank you debtstinker for the compliment, it is truly me that is lucky here, I get to learn everyday from these elderly people, they have so much to offer, someday I will be in there shoes and I hope someone takes care of me the way I take care of them.
We had a guy that was pretty violent, he was pushed from personal care home to personal care home. He was getting pretty mean there, I had to go on transports with him to the doctor and to counselling, he belted me a few times, eventually after about a year he finally started trusting me and we developed a pretty descent understanding of each other. He recently had a stroke and was moved and we can't take him back because of his condition. I feel so bad, he probably feels so alone again, our home is not set up for the skilled care that he needs, I hope that this does not make him regress mentally and start being mean again, this behavior will make the staff take care of him differently, he is a tough nut to break. I hope he is doing well, he is so far away that we don't hear how he is.
I think that if you work in the personal care homes you have to get personal with these people and make it as much as home as you can. They are living there 24/7, we go home after 8 hours, they stay. We are visitors in there homes, we should respect their privacy but know that we must take care of their needs too. I get along with all 19 residents that we have in our home, they are all different, they are all special in their own way, good or bad, it is their home.
parent care
i think most parents would tell thier children what they want before anything happens but for unseen situations i think we all have to do the best we can everyones situation is differant. some times its impossible to keep them with you like for some the cost would make you lose your home or they had alsheimers and were getting hurt youd want them to be safe. its all up to the family members, but id keep my parents or inlaws or even friends , its just who i am.
Where I work, I see why the families have put some of them there, but there are others there that if they were my parent they would still be at home. I try to keep them as active as possible and socialize with them as much as possible and still get my work done.
dadummy, I know what you mean, in the old days, you kept them at home no matter what their condition, you just did not hear of putting them in a home or sending them off to a daycare. I think it is good to have these options available though, you may be stronger than other people. I would rather see them end up somewhere that they would be taken care of instead of in a family home where they are not really wanted and may suffer abuse or neglect. You sound like a good lady who wants to do what is right. that is good and the people that you cared for were fortunate to have you.
some people are not equipped with the patience and frame of mind to take care of a parent who is suffering from mental issues like alzhiemers or other mental problems that progress with age. People forget to take their medications, forget to eat, forget to get out of bed in the mornings. these ones I think it is a full time job and if the family is holding down jobs and raising a family, sometimes the personal care homes are a better choice so that the elderly person gets the care they need.
Where I work, I see why the families have put some of them there, but there are others there that if they were my parent they would still be at home. I try to keep them as active as possible and socialize with them as much as possible and still get my work done.
You sound like you do a great job with these people, I think that is great, this is not an easy field to be in, you have to deal with so much, their illness and their death and you get closer to many more people than the average person would and you are exposed to much more death than the average person and I am sure that your heart aches every single time. You should always have comfort in the fact that you have made a personal effort to make the last few years of their life the best that you could, you sound like a dedicated, loving person, I applaud you and wish there were more out there like you.
So many times it is like people are warehoused in the personal care homes and they are only there so some administrator or owner has one more check from the state. This home that you work in sounds like it is more like a home environment, where the people have a sense of belonging and care, this is so important to those people who are up there in age, especially if they have family that don't come and see them. God bless you and the rest of the staff there.
I hope he is doing well, he is so far away that we don't hear how he is.
Can you have your administrator call and see how he is doing? they may tell this person, maybe you can get the address and send him a card from your staff, with a picture of all of you. I am sure he would enjoy that.
That is good advice lunchtime, the administrator probably could find out that information for you. Sending a picture would probably ease his mind if he knows that you guys have not forgotten him.
erb, you sound like you really enjoy your work, that is awesome.
Why did we not think of that, that is a great idea. This individual does not have any family members that came to see him when he was with us for the last 4-5 years, so I doubt that anyone is going to see him now. It is a sad case, I think he has had mental issues for many years and suffered alot of lonliness because he would get mean. I know one time we were in the van on our way to a doctor appointment and he swung around and hit me pretty hard, I was so mad at him, it really hurt. I have sat in many waiting room situations with him, this has taken such a long time to build his trust, just in time for his health to take a turn for the worse and him to be moved, I feel bad, there is nothing I can do about it, we just don't have the skilled staff here to care for him, we have a doctor that visits once every two weeks, but his condition requires nurses be there everyday to monitor him. I don't know if he will pull through this. I would not be surprised to hear that this got the best of him. I have some pretty good and bad memories, more recent the good. Hope he does well where he is. I will ask the administrator to find out where they are keeping him and to get the address for us.
Growing up I ran into a position where I was offered to take care of an elderly woman who had alzheimers and emphysema. I took the position at the young age of 15 having no experience at all. It was in her home which I would clean, I cooked her meals, distributed her medication, and even bathed her and changed her diapers. It didn't seem to bother me doing those type of responsibilities but I am not sure if its because I formed a bond with her after caring for her for 2+ years or if I am one of a hand full of people who grasp the fact that one day I will be in that position and need cared for just like she did. In any instance, a person dong this type of work must have certain qualities in order to do the job successfully. If you do not have patience along with many other qualities chances are the person you are caring for will not get the ultimate care and treatment they should be getting.
I think when your in a situation like this that involves your parents and loved ones that most folks would know whether their parents would want personal caretakers or nursing home caretakers. Dealing with a family member will obviously involve more feelings and the family would be more sensative to the decisions they will have to make. If anyone needs redirected to articles dealing with this topic I would recommend an assessment handbook called Where to start and what to ask by S Lukas. It discusses The stages of the family life cycle such as:
1. Leaving the home and becomming a single young adult
2. Joining families through marriage
3. Families accepting new offspring
4. Relationships between parents and adolescents
5. Launching Children to move out and move on
6. Later life accepting shifts in generational roles and dealing with losses of loved ones
erb you are doing a great job here. Someone in a thread had asked about doing some social work. why not join erb now? This is really commendable i see.
Good morning scott and welcome back to the forum, have not seen you here in awhile.
erb,
You do a great job with your people hope you are hope you feel rewarded in your work.
Coffeebean,
Welcome to the forum, what a powerful post, thank you for joining us and sharing it with us. You are right, we do go through an entire cycle, I never really thought about it like this. Pondered the birth to death cycle but not the full living cycle. Ideally I think this is the way it is supposed to be, LOL. Some chose to stay at home forever and never leave the nest though. But I think if you do a good job as a parent, your children feel powerful and independant enough to take the world on and try to develop their own households. Hope you choose to stay around for a long time, good to have you here.
careing for the elderly
i just had to come and tell you that there will be a lot more elderly people forced to go to nurseing homes because of the prices going up on everything they just cant afford it and theres not enough help out there for them. even younger people cant afford to deal with older parents because most families require both people to work. the government doest really care they all have big retirements and saveings and who knows what else they have saved up in iras or foriegn bank accounts, stocks anywhere they can store money.
parents
I live in PA, as most of you know. If my parents needed me to care for them, i would move back home ( CA). There shouldn't be any reason for my parents to go to a nursing home. They raised me and supported me....when ( and if ) it came to the point where THEY needed care, it would MY turn to care for them. I also have 2 sisters that live near my parents. What I do for a living?....I take care of the elderly. It's a very rewarding job. Not the 'greatest' pay, in the world, but...money isn't everything. SOOO many people need help and not enough people willing to do that. We help these people, so they DON'T need to go to Nursing Homes. My opionion..of course.
elderly care
im really pleased to see how many people responded to this article. i hope thats an indecation of the whole population in the country. so many old people have to set in old age homes alone for years because no one has time to go visit. i know because i use to work in one and there were so many people that never got a visit in the three years i was there. i remember getting christmas gifts for them one year and you would be amazed at howc much a single pair of socks meant to them. you could tell they hadnt had a gift in a long time. please dont forget that because thier old and cannot take care of themselves that they still can feel rejection is one of the biggest hurts there is in the world, i guess it doesnt matter how old you are for rejection to hurt. thank you all who responded
Many many people are put into homes and left to die more or less, younger kids don't feel they should be responsible. sdchargers, your parents are lucky to have such a kind caring daughter who feels the debt that she owes her parents, good for you.
I think people benefit more at home, only problem is that I would have to fight mine for my computer, well, I have two of them, guess I could stick her in the back room on that one, LOL, just kidding.
I drive past two homes everyday on the way to work, I get job orders all the time at work because the turn over is so high because the pay is so low. Makes you wonder where the heck all the social security checks go to that these folks were receiving before they were sent there, sure isn't spent on wages or benefits.
elderly
I talk to my family, at least, 3 or 4 times a week. I am very close to my parents and sisters ( I'm the middle one of three girls). When Southern CA had all of those terrible fires, I was SOO terrified for my family! My parents and 1 sister, brother-in-law and kids had to evacuate!! All I could do was watch on TV my home town being burnt to the ground!! For a few days, I couldn't get a hold of ANYONE in my family!! Phone lines were down and Cell phones were bombarded!! FINALLY......getting to talk to them was a blessing!! Nobody, in my family lost their homes, either!!
did you see where those two guys wheeled thier dead friend to the bank to cash his social security check. they were drugies and needed some money . i laughed but this is not funny this is abuse of a corspe. i bet they wont get any thing out of it because they claimed they didnt know he was dead. come on what is the world comeing to. did any one else see this. makes you wonder how much more goes on out there we dont hear about.
Yes I seen that, about fell on the floor, I could not believe it. It is amazing what people will do for drug money, they both were 65 year old herion addicts. They have probably lived their whole lives like this, what a shame. I just can not imagine.
I am sure there is worse than that goes on in New York inner city, you have all kinds of people there. I just think it is terrible how drugs can ruin some ones life like that.
Im working at a senior center at the present and its amazeing how well some of our older people get around today we had them exerciseing and i couldnt keep up with them. some of them were in thier ninties. theres a senior apartment building where they live. they come down every day. Im amazed if only our young people would be that spry.
Someone in a thread had asked about doing some social work
this is about as much into social work as I get! :D
i know because i use to work in one and there were so many people that never got a visit in the three years i was there. i remember getting christmas gifts for them one year and you would be amazed at howc much a single pair of socks meant to them.
Do you think it is because the socks came with a visit, I think they are tucked away and forgotten about by the outside world.
did you see where those two guys wheeled thier dead friend to the bank to cash his social security check.
People will do anything for drugs, LOL.
Are they humans?
It can be a struggle sometimes to wonder what makes a person desert an elderly parent, some are put into homes and never get a visit, do we forget that this woman or man raised us, we should be able to take a few hours on Sunday to give to them. We drive by these homes everyday on the way to and from work. They look so peaceful and quiet, reality it is full of loneliness and heartbreak. * I always hope that the best staff is hired on at these places, nothing worse than being locked up and being taken care of by someone who hates their job. Erb seems to enjoy her job, seems to get into taking care of the elderly. I am sure that the people in the facility you work at are happy campers. I am sure they miss their families but having people like you working makes life a lot more bearable.
How many personal care homes do you drive by everyday and not even know that they are personal care homes, about ten years ago it seemed like they were popping up all over the place. Anyone who had an empty room had a personal care home, I think if you only had three people you did not have to have a license. Finally the state puts some rules down and started inspecting, they shut quite a few down. They were not taking care of the people properly, more or less just collecting their social security check and housing them. So some of the personal care homes were just warehouses out in the community.
Good question August, I usually just drive to work and pay no mind, I will have to give it some thought the next time that I am out and about. I am sure there are more than I thought.
We have many of these homes tucked away in just about every community. I know a few friends had homes, they had just like two or three people, very small and personal. They did a good job, but after a while went back into the workforce and closed their homes down.
There used to many tucked a way in the small communities where I live too, fortunately the state woke up and said let’s go out and do some inspections. I know that most people who open up these homes in their home have the best intentions, however there is the money making aspect of it and when you tie that with greed, you have individuals that should not be taking care of animals taking care of people. Pennsylvania has put some standards in place, they do go into the homes and perform inspections, they hold the owner’s accountable and have shut quite a few down.
Many of them were doing it for the money, were not properly staffing them and were not getting the medical care that they needed. Simple check ups were being ignored. Elderly people require the right type of doctor who specializes in geriatric care, many of these homes were not provided, even the basics of it. So the state shut a lot of them down, thank god.
I think it is great that the state stepped in and took these measures, people get greedy when it comes to money and will do the bare minimum if it mean profit, that is for sure. Glad to hear that they started regulating them. Better for the people who are living in these homes tucked away out of site, out of mind.
Who pays someone when they open a personal care home? Does the state do it? Does social security do it? I never had an intrest in doing it, but I can see where some may, that is great if you are going to care for the people properly, but to neglect them just to collect a check should be against the law. Hopefully they will keep the standards pretty strict, it may deter some of the greedy ones and keep the others in compliance.
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